Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and with that in mind, on behalf of the U.S., I’ve drafted a little note to our somewhat jilted lover… Afghanistan. Who really seems like she needs our attention right now.
Hey Afghanistan, look… you know, we’re sorry that after 9-11 we gung-hoed our way into you with guns blazing and rhetoric flying, and then, well shucks, sorta seemed to forget you once it was decided that Iraq had “WMDs” and Saddam was more important than finding bin Laden and finishing one task before starting another.
And we’re sorry that as the war raged on along two fronts, that your front recieved so little publicity and was at times almost completely washed from the collective public mind.
But look Afghanistan, it doesn’t mean we love you as a conflict riddled nation any less, we just love you in a totally different way. We love you, we’re just not in love with you. Ok? So please, really now, calm the f*** down before things wind up getting too ugly for the both of us to handle… because it looks like our friends are getting really sick of hearing about how destructive our relationship as warzone and foreign power trying to fight for you in your best interests happens to be.
I mean, Canada just said that unless NATO gets behind us continuing to give it a chance to work out, that they’re just going to wash their hands of us! Can you believe that? I mean, I know Canada’s lost 79 people since 2002… but, still… Canada, we need you! We need as much of you as you’re willing to give- we’re kinda caught halfway between this one, and Iraq, and we’re just one nation! We’ve got two hands- but they’re not always all that well coordinated, and we seem to keep losing fingers every now and again…
(can you show this to Canada for us… we uh… might owe them money… we’re not really sure anymore…)
I mean, Canada, you’re a big part in this cluster fu… I mean orgy of war-fighting! You’re totally in there working the Kandahar, and as anyone can tell you- that’s a really important erogenous zone.
So Afghanistan, look, we’re really trying to fulfill your needs as best we can, if it’s not working for you… did you ever think maybe it’s got something to do with you? Don’t freak out, nevermind, forget I said that… Us, and NATO, and Canada… you know, we’re really trying to make this work, we don’t want you to be a “failed state“.
Xs and Os- heart you always (well, you know, you and Iraq- but we spread the love where we can)
–The United States of America
Popularity: 4% [?]
January 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
P.S. You know that Iran is an old girlfriend and we don’t care about her anymore. N. Korea? Oh come on, we were just flirting and we were drunk.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
“You’re totally in there working the Kandahar, and as anyone can tell you- that’s a really important erogenous zone.”
Oh Skitz. You make my sides hurt.
January 31st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Right on Liv, besides, you know, it’s not like we’re Afghanistan’s first lover anyway…
1842 the British were all up in that shit.
Not to mention the whole decade 79-88 where the U.S.S.R. was hittin’ it. But hey, it was the 80s, it was a weird time for everyone… I mean, who didn’t look at the Soviets while in a coked out haze and think… you know… maybe? Of course, while the Soviets were in there taking the front action, we were coming up from behind to try to push them out… and… is this analogy just going a little too far? I’m starting to make myself uncomfortable…
February 4th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I love your twisted mind.