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I’m a day late but never a dollar short. Well, sometimes. But that’s a whole other story. I present to you the 2nd installment of
the weekly Evil Wrap-Up!
insert whip crack here.
Mitt Romney: Family values is his campaign coup de gras. In my opinion, family values should have nothing to do with a campaign’s focus. Sure, it’s important. Sure, Americans have fucked up family values. But what’s more pressing right now? Can Mitt change the American perspective on the family in 4 years? No. Can the war in Iraq end in 4 years? Sure. Can he change the parenting of millions of children? No. Can our health care system get an overhaul that could potential help care for those millions of children better? Sure. So maybe he’s not exactly Ahmadinejad. But anyone who blabs on this much about values must have a few secrets up his sleeve.
So THIS is why cases of Gonnosyphiherpilitits have gotten so high in the U.S.!!! Prison Sex is the same as unprotected sex, because authorities don’t want to give the impression that they’re encouraging sexual encounters between inmates- despite the fact that 2.2 million prisoners are held in facilities where man on man lovin’ is common, and the risk for STDs is higher than in the general population. Says Rep. Barbara Lee of California- ‘‘When more than 90 percent of incarcerated people return to our communities, taking a head-in-the-sand approach to the fact that our prisons have become a breeding ground for HIV/AIDS poses a serious public health risk.’’
McDonald’s wants to own your coffee business. Own It! “We want to move from beverages as an accompaniment to being a beverage destination,” said Don Thompson, McDonald’s prez, said in a meeting with analysts Tuesday. “Our speed, our convenience, the value that we can afford to customers without quality comprise will make us a formidable player.” The fast food giant plans to do this by offering lattes, mochas, cappuccinos and espressos with choices of different flavorings and milk. Industry watchers say the drinks cost about 50 cents less than at Starbucks. That’s right Starbucks- you go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
General Musharraf is likely going to stay President of Pakistan according to the newly formed Supreme Court of Pakistan, which was set up after emergency rule was put in place two weeks ago. He won the Oct 06th election, but has not been officially confirmed due to controversy over his eligibility, the argument being that you can’t run for office and be army chief at the same time.
Hate Crime incline. After a decade low in 2005, hate crimes jumped up 8% in 2006. Of course- that might be due to the 200 law enforcement agencies that reported last year, after having never reported before.
Like rats from a forever sinking ship. Frances Townsend, homeland security and counter terrorism adviser to President Bush for the past 4.5 years is stepping down. Making her the latest in a pretty decent line of high profile exits as Bush runs headfirst into his last year as Commander in Chief. There was no reason given for her departure.
Chuck Norris is- Walker: Border Patrol. Mike Huckabee, who’s sitting at the number two spot in the polls in Iowa, has decided to go funny with his campaign commercials. The ad opens with a black screen and white block letters, reading, “An Important Policy Message from Governor Mike Huckabee.” Then Huckabee appears, looking somberly into the camera. “My plan to secure the borders?” he says, as the camera zooms out to show Norris sitting next to Huckabee. “Two words. Chuck Norris.” The commercial then jumps back and forth from Huckabee to Norris. “Mike’s a principled, authentic conservative,” Mr. Norris says. Huckabee wraps it up by deadpanning, “Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse. He tells America how it’s gonna be.” Well, that’ll teach those pesky illegals.
American Presidents shouldn’t need to be “broken in” says Hillary Clinton. ‘‘There is one job we can’t afford on-the-job training for — our next president. That could be the costliest job training in history,’’ she said. ‘‘Every day spent learning the ropes is another day of rising costs, mounting deficits and growing anxiety for our families. And they cannot afford to keep waiting.’’ In Iowa, Obama (the obvious target for these remarks) was asked about Clinton’s comments and offered a sharp response. ‘‘My understanding is she wasn’t Treasury secretary in the Clinton administration. I don’t know exactly what experience she’s claiming,’’ he said. ‘‘Rather than just assert experience, if she has specific differences with me in regard to economic policy then let’s have that debate.’’ The former first lady compared the situation to 1992, when her husband ran against the first President Bush. ‘‘There seems to be a pattern here. It takes a Clinton to clean up after a Bush,’’ she said to applause. Now sure we here at Patriot Missive could make an easy wisecrack about various Clinton methods of cleaning Bush, but that would be taking the low road. And we’re better than that- so we’ll just allude to it (you’re already thinking about it aren’t you?) and leave it at that.
And now- from lewd innuendo, to the Frigid 50! President George W. Bush has been named the coldest person in Hollywood. He’s so cold he doesn’t even work in Hollywood- and still he managed to take the top spot. Impressive.
But wait dear reader- Dubbya is NOT the most evil thing in today’s article. No, the most evil thing is far more dastardly, considerably more insidious, dare I say it… this last thing makes Satan himself quake- Pure evil is… Sesame Street. No… really. I’m serious. The DVDs of Sesame Street: Old School Vol 1&2 carry a warning label- “Sesame Street: Old School” is adults-only: “These early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.” Yes, that’s right, the show that taught us all how to behave as children, and continued to influence our development well past childhood into adulthood, is bad for children. Cookie Monster still only ate cookies, there was no Elmo, Bert and Ernie were still in the closet, a young girl walking the street alone was picked up by an older man and brought to his place to “meet his wife and eat milk and cookies”, there was pipe smoking, Snuffy was still a hallucination suffered by Big Bird… my god! What were we watching!?!?! How did we ever get by in a world so corrupt and morally devoid?!?!? I feel nostalgia slowly crumbling into a bleak abyss of doubt and sorrow for my generation.
*sob*
And there you have it folks! All the evil that’s fit to print.
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